just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
