If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
