I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
whose ass print is on the piano?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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