I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
