you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
pray to the hookup gods
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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