Got a toothbrush?
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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