A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Randomize
