I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
