Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
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