I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
My ATM looks so different sober.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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