If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
