So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
