he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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