I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
