we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
worst night to have a conscience
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
