My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
