am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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