This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Randomize
