maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
