Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
