I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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