I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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