i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
