let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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