i permit you to call me
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Randomize
