Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
