Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
