I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
