turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
