FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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