You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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