dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
