So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
