Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
