is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
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