Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
