Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
