btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
