My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
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She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
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Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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