Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Randomize
