i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
