You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
