brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Randomize
