i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Randomize
