I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Well I just put wine in my tea
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
