well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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