So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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