god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
