i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
