It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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