So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
