working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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