It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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