I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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