I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
