I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
