I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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