ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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