i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
