Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
